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Many of my regular readers know about my faith journey, but for those who may be new, this journal share is from a period of time when I had wandered back into the world as a new believer not grounded in the Word. Born Again, yes. Salvation secured, yes. But the war for my walk had begun, and I was a Backslidden babe, seeking truth and running hard from religion, like a scared wild animal when it stumbles into civilization. I was being hunted, no doubt. I was in a war, it’s true. I had not yet put on my Armour and this baby Christian had an enemy pursuing hard. If he could not have my soul for eternity, he could certainly keep me ineffective for the cause of Christ. For a season. Confusion had set in, BUT the Lord had other plans in the end for this chick…to stand firm in the power of His might. To boldly go where other Christians are too chicken to go. OK, just kidding with that last one.
But let’s see what was happening Beneath The Surface,
in the pages of my journal, October 23, 1993.
He says I should go back to church and I don’t know if he’s right
but he didn’t mean his church.
I told him that he just didn’t understand that
I don’t know if I can go to church
and for the first time in my life
I am angry at God-
or at least not thinking rosy thoughts about life like
I used to-am I getting old and cynical?
Have I always been?
*******
Last night K and I got together and went to Sicilia’s on Federal Hill
for their awesome stuffed pizza. We ended up having a long talk about religion.
She is presently reading the bible and studying the book of Mormon as her current boyfriend is Mormon. She has lots of insights and arguments.
I have lots of thoughts but I am very cold to the thoughts of churches
and the state of human race in religion.
*******
Why is God so unclear?
Why have I lost my faith in the human race so completely?
I told K, you know the only thing that came out of my whole
Born Again situation is that I no longer think /assume people are “good”.
What makes a person “good”?
We talked about how I see so many “good” people
but does this make them good to God or in in God’s eyes?
Human eyes fail to see the heart.
What makes a person good or bad?
I don’t think the obviously “good” person is closer to God
than the lost person- I just don’t know.
*******
K and I mutually agreed that we think an informal
Bible study group is better than a church.
I find it hard to believe in light of the news and the condition
of the human race that there is a leader to lead worthy of God.
I don’t doubt that there is a God and Jesus but I just don’t know what it’s all about.
The words can put one farther from the Lord than closer…
this is the way of the church with rituals.
Do they blindly follow?
I almost did blindly follow.
But following man does not make one closer to God or Jesus.
Why is it that when I look around me-
I see things that man thinks are good and want to weep?
We are all (humans- all) lost.
This is the only truth I know.
I feel we don’t get it at all–
our concepts of good and bad are horribly warped,
and it’s only getting more complicated.
Where are people’s hearts?Money, intellect- rich in these things many are…
But even people I care about, I see sometimes mechanically going through the motions of some perception of goodness and righteousness-
this to me is uglier than the blatantly “bad” person.
*******
Phew. OK, in conclusion dare ones I want to end by saying
God is the One True Living God, who finishes what He starts.
His Word is true.
There is no righteousness apart from Him.
I praise Him for guiding me into truth, and giving me an inquisitive mind
with an unquenchable desire for His Knowledge and Truth.
Amen.
…your faith in God has become known everywhere.
They tell how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God,
and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead—
Jesus, who rescues us from the coming wrath.
1 Thessalonians 1:8-9
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Enthusiastically, Dawn 
Beautiful searching heart. God loves those the best I think. Seriously. I loved the students who arrived at our ministry school with the same misgivings and wondering why in the world God told them to come! I loved being with them because they were OPEN so much more than the older believers who came thinking they had stuff to teach us. Love you Dawn!
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This is so touching. God is gracious and I love to see how he brought you through that time, to where you are now!
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I guess when inquiring minds want to know,God grants a visa to know! It's all from Him, I suppose in the end. The questioning mind He gives and the answers from Himself. Love you too, my friend!
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Thanks, Beth! It is amazing to me, too! Hope you are doing well. 😉
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Excellent post! Gives me a lot to think about 🙂
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Sometimes we need to remember churches can follow religion instead of christianity at times. Yes we all question and get angry at God at times but God is big enough to take it and of course he understands even better than we do. Thank you for sharing Dawn. I have linked up now. Blessings.
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WOW, you were so dead on in your searching. And authentic and gutty and everything God loves most, I think. And right on the cusp of tipping over into what you proclaim in your post-script. It's an encouragement to see a journey laid out so clearly…even if you couldn't see it as you were living it. I suppose we never see the road until we're looking in the rear-view mirror, huh?
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