It’s been a year now since you took your life. A year and 7 days to be precise. The truth is nothing is precise in our lives here anymore. Since that time, life goes on, but is a blur of meaningless activity overshadowed by your absence. Time is irrelevant. Day, night, hours- what are they? I struggle to make sense of it all. I struggle to find meaning in anything.
It’s not that I am not doing things. It’s that everything is less since you’ve been gone.
I’ve had to forgive everyone. I mean everyone… past and present. For all the hurts along your path…all the failures of humanity I held in my heart, recognizing even while you were still living, their toxicity, but unable to let them go, for in holding them I felt a fuel, a fire to fight for you. But that battle is done now. Have I forgiven myself for my lack, for my choices, for my failures? God knows.
I confess it would be easy to hate for so many reasons, for all you suffered. How many times I can recall specific people or incidents, which were the worst examples of humanity, yet, we had such a measure of grace along the way as well. Often from unlikely places. For that I am grateful. The rest I leave in God’s faithful hands. Hate is too big a burden for anyone to carry. It’s taken many down who are stronger than I. Hate and unforgiveness are unacceptable options no matter how justified they appear by the world’s standards. You know this already.
I’ve had to choose forgiveness or die. And though dying certainly holds appeal, if I knew without any doubt I would hold you again, see your beautiful smile, I would wholeheartedly embrace it…and I will in due time, as God determines. In the meantime, I am here. Without you. And everything is wearisome. I mean, this living out days that used to hold hope, meaning and a measure of possibility. The whole world is lacking without you in it. You hold a piece irreplaceable.
Now, we are left asking the question, what next? But more so, the bigger question, why even bother? We also endure the casual remarks of well-meaning people with their inability to grasp the reality we are living. Can they fathom the depth of this loss? No, and may those who cannot fathom it thank God that they cannot.
I wish we could go back in time, but how far? How many things could we change to secure a different outcome? Was it one thing, or many? If only love was ever enough. You knew you were loved, but this world, it’s not easy, it’s not kind, and it favors those willing to play by unseen rules that don’t always make sense. I’ve seen what this world has to offer, and I am not impressed. It takes. That’s all it can do. Too many think it’s all that matters…all they can see or hope in. But I know that’s not true. As you also do.
But you, my dear child…how I miss you, how I miss every moment with you. How I miss you by my side. How I miss you telling me your struggles. I miss hearing your dreams. And all the hopes you held close but dared not speak. I miss our heated arguments, our debates over big things and small. I miss yoour brilliance! How I miss the person you were and would have become this side of eternity. For better or worse. I miss how you challenged me …Lord, how you challenged me! How often you chaIlenged and befuddled many. I can see now how right you were, and sometimes how wrong you were, and how you knew that too. How I miss your hugs.
I am trying to remember the blessings we shared, for they were many. I am trying to hang onto
you in a million little ways. In spontaneous drives to your favorite places, in the sunsets, in the clouds, in the quietness of the days. Do you know how often I think of you? It’s like you are with me all the time…like a whisper I can’t quite hear, like a song I want to remember, like the full moon in winter, like an ache in my heart that never relents. Every minute I live without you feels like a desert. Like I am gasping for air. How I wish I could breathe in your hair, gaze into your earnest brown eyes…just one more time. How I wish I could reassure you, just one more time, cause you to laugh, share the same space with you one more time…and forever.
My love, you were my courage, my strength, my purpose. You gave me a reason to be and to believe, and without you, I struggle to see. But who can argue with God?
So, I go on.
I’ll continue to hold my place by grace and by faith and by the One who is both faithful and incomprehensible. I miss you beyond words…in a million different ways.
Until I see you again,
Your loving mother.