Today has been one of those days. Don’t ask what kind. I just know it has been one of them. I don’t know why or how or at what point the transition occurred. Like a smoldering volcano, it bubbled, gurgled and simmered. Until the final eruption. It was unanticipated. It left me quiet…after the final blow. I didn’t see it coming. I certainly did not write it in my plan for today. But there “it” was, or more accurately, there I was. Erupted. Before God’s eyes. No one else was around. Except for my dog, Banjo, who immediately hid under the Christmas Tree (Yes, it’s still up!). Pretty sure God was not surprised. Me? Oh yeah. I was. Let’s back up. The day started, just fine. I have some things bubbling, beneath the surface, as I like to say, but otherwise- OK. I had a walk, along the shoreline. Alone. Some things need to be contemplated away from home, loved ones and all sweet distractions. But the previously mentioned eruption occurred quite unexpectedly, as I sat at my desk and considered my next move. I am so full of questions, yet unclear in the “answers” department lately. Which leads me to realize how important it is for me to have answers. To please people. The bubbling began…and then there it was a job possibility. To disappoint people. Image of my whole life in 5 minutes flashing before my eyes…every disappointment, misunderstanding, injustice. Attached resume. Every. Bad. Thing. Everything…wrong. I press that “send” key so hard, I wonder if it will ever function properly again. Then the eruption. The accusation. The question.
“Why?” I shout it. Loud. I wail it. I yell loudly and demand, “Why?”, repeatedly. Then I sit sobbing at this silly little desk and tell God how angry I am that He has allowed this unfair circumstance, this unjust victory. When I stop crying, I feel quiet inside. As if I had just vomited out a vile, swallowed lie. Am I alright? I encourage the dog out from under the tree. I decide to get on with my day. Yet, I am still surprised by the revelation. The ashes fall. I make my way through the remnant of emotional carnage.
Then two serendipitous things happen. The first was Holly, a wonderful fellow blogger freely giving me her time to fix my Blog Button. As we communicate and she patiently works on the glitch to fix the little bugger, I am reminded of God’s patient, gracious, dealing with me and my “glitches”. I’m also reminded of my own shortsightedness, and lack of patience.
Of course, I pop over to the diversion of Facebook and behold a perfectly timed article by Mel over at Trailing After God. Ironically it catches my eye, because of the opening lines: “Why me? Why does this life have to be so hard? Why can’t you just wipe this all out and take us all home? Why are we all being punished for the fall of Adam and Eve? Why? Why? Why?“.
Talk about irony. I felt like she had a camcorder into my office when I read that! I popped right over for her post on “Questioning God”.
So in the end, my volcano has calmed. The lava has cooled (somewhat) and I am left feeling, thankful.
After all it’s a wonderful Bloggy World, isn’t it?
Thanks to Holly for Resolving the mystery of the Broken Button!
Here is my New Button: