Enthusiastically, Dawn

The quote, ‘In this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes’, may be attributed to Ben Franklin, but we all probably have heard someone say it, or thought it ourselves. It’s one of those sayings that reverberates through the stratosphere landing again and again in time. Because it does have a ring of truth in it. We can’t avoid taxes, and we, if we live long enough, can’t avoid facing death ourselves, and the death of those we hold dear. It’s a reality we all think about, or avoid thinking about. The elephant in the room, we all must eventually acknowledge.

Content warning – this post mentions suicide. I also talk about the multiple losses I have experienced in a short period of time. Please use discretion if these are not topics for you at this time.

I don’t want to bring you down, I don’t. But I hope instead to help offer a way through, possibly. Navigating grief, can seem like taking off on the open road, for an unplanned trip without a map or a suitcase. Possibly without a full tank of gas. With no sure destination. It’s ludicrous and maddening at times. But eventually we come through it. We must. I’m no expert or psychiatrist, I’ve no special training to qualify me to speak specifically on this topic. But I am an expert at loss. I know what it is to grieve. Deeply. One could say I have lived a life of losses. Loss after loss, leading to more loss…enough to wonder is this what life is all about? I do not want to focus on my early childhood, or even my midlife losses for this, or all types of losses, for all loss leads to a need for grieving in varying degrees, but I want to focus specifically here on the loss of loved ones. Those who are family, friends, and the people who have impacted our lives in personal ways and those who have influenced our direction. I would put pets in a separate category- but they are loved, and often part of our daily family interactions, and sometimes for some, the only source of affection and connection so I won’t omit completely. Also depending on the timing, of the loss, such as in my own experience, it so often can exasperate the grief one experiences with other losses. All this to say, I do recognize and don’t want to minimize the impact of our beloved pets, on our lives, health and wellbeing. Use your own discretion to how you walk through the focus of today’s prompts. I hope that makes sense and helps.

When my mom died in 2018 (December 22), it was after a battle with esophageal cancer that started in 2016. During this time we also had a sewage back-up into our home which caused our family to have to leave the premises immediatly. On a Friday night, at 7:30 PM. In the dead of a freezing cold Winter. My mom lived in the finished basement where the sewerage had come in. My husband, daughter, myself and our pets lived upstairs. She was weak and distressed and undergoing treatment. It was a nightmare. Mom was not able to return to the house until June. Our family was shuffled from hotel to hotel until Spring when my hubby and daughter could return to the upstairs while the work continued on finishing the downstairs. To say this was a traumatic season is a broad brush statement, but not untrue. It certainly was not ideal for the healthy and strong, let alone one who is undergoing a battle with life-threatening illness.

After January 2019, the losses seemed to hit our family like waves repeatedly slamming the shoreline during a storm. Sometimes death takes us by surprise, and sometimes it is relentless. We said goodbye to my mother-in-law, my dad, and three pets (one cat, one dog and one bunny) who had been part of our little family for 16, 12 and 8 years respectively.

In January of 2021, we lived through a parent’s worst nightmare when our only child, Katherine died by suicide. Katherine was twenty years old, and battled long and hard with mental health issues as well as struggles with substance abuse. But more than that, she was intelligent, sincere, and my favorite person to be silly with. None of us want to be remembered for our struggles, but for our strengths. Katherine had great strengths. She was so much more than the illness she sought to escape. That’s a story I will tell another day. I’m working on it.

I took care of my mom during her cancer journey. It was hard, but when she died it still left me spinning. My mom and I had a complicated relationship as many mothers and daughters do. I bought a journal so I could write to her in Heaven. I think that was a shocking decision I made within the first month she died. Ironically, I wrote only rarely in that journal. I, only now, 7 years later, have things I want to say that are worth writing, in my mind.

The year’s following my mom’s death our small family, along with the world, was facing huge challenges, as Covid abruptly interrupted our lives, and inevitably did its work leaving many suffering in the aftershock of it all. For us, sadly, that included the loss of our daughter.

Through all of these losses I continued to journal. However, often in times of trauma or grief, writing, or creating of any kind stalls a bit. Loss leaves us feeling lost. It can causes us to lose sight of who we are temporarily. That’s not unusual.

Sandra Marinella, in her book, The Story You Need to Tell – Writing to Heal from Trauma, Illness, or Loss, says it so well, ‘After traumatic experiences, words usually tiptoe back into our lives’.

Loss is often traumatic based on the depth of love for or deep connection to the person. Perception of the relationship can determine the depth of emotional response. So many things can impact and influence our perception, causing grief to show up differently at different times in our lives. Just as there is no wrong way to journal there is no wrong way to grieve. (Unless it leads to harm of self or others, perhaps). When we are off balance, we need to find our center once more. Eventually we regain our footing, and find ourselves able to stand.

Sandra Marinella mentions that writing that helps us face our loss has these four characteristics: accepts loss, embraces community, finds gratitude, embraces wisdom. I think these make for good focus points to move through in journaling grief.

The way I see it is as a journey over time, moving towards and through these filters. We come to accept our loss (es). Journaling can help us work through the pain, and feelings of despair that accompany loss. A journal can also provide a safe haven for working out the extremes of grief. We can decide what we want to share with a trusted friend (or counselor) from there. Sometimes the practice of journaling can help us discern and become aware of who is trustworthy and who is not with regard to the tenderness of our grief journey.

How can we embrace community when life seems to have stormed its worst upon us? It’s so easy to cut ourselves from what we need most, support. Opportunities through small group gatherings and faith communities are needed, yet deciding may seem overwhelming. Grief groups can be helpful, but some of us do much better in one-to-one situations. I know I do. That’s probably why I spent a majority of my life doing one-on-one personal training and coaching. Write about your ideal support situation. What does it look like in this season? Are you open to embracing community?Are you willing to allow yourself to be embraced by community?

Gratitude. This is the one way to freedom, joy, empowerment. Gratitude slays sadness. I have thanked my way through a mountain of sadness. I have slayed the dragons of despair with my simple thanksgivings. I give thanks to God alone for everything. The words play on in the radio of my mind: “Count your blessings, name them one by one; Count your blessings, see what God hath done; Count your blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done” (Johnson Oatman, Jr.) A thankful heart will see hope – even if its still on the horizon. It will remain in sight.

For me, wisdom begins with God, not men. Not me. So to embrace wisdom is to accept the sovereignty of God in all things. Especially the hard to accept things. Ultimately the more I lean into the God of Holy Scripture, the less I need to know everything, or have all the answers. The more I can be at peace with the things I cannot understand this side of eternity. And that list is an ever growing one. I embrace the wisdom that hopes all things, believes all things, and leaves the things that cannot be known in the hands of an incomprehensible but completely trustworthy Father.

Your turn. Dear friend on the other side of the screen, phone or tablet, I don’t know the people you have lost. I don’t know the things you have gone through. I have written a bit about my “most recent” losses. I have written a brief version of them and in doing so, maybe you found yourself thinking about your own. Would you take some time to write about your “most recent losses” ? Or maybe you want to clarify or remember a specific memory or story about one of these losses. Take some time to journal about them if that seems good to you. Here are a few prompts to start:

1. Remembering Well- I call this the Good, the Bad and the Ugly prompt. We’ll get to the good, but first there is the bad and ugly to contend with! Write about one of the things that your loved one did that was less than perfect. Maybe even one of the things that drove you a little bonkers. Sometimes when we have lost a loved one, we feel we need to make them perfect, or put them on some afterlife pedestal. Our memories will serve us better if we allow ourselves to remember the real. The fact is we love them, even still. We loved them then, and we love them now. This is not a time to pressure yourself to write about the deep, dark things, but maybe the quirky things that were shared between you. My daughter used to crack her knuckles…especially because she knew it drove me a little bonkers. However, if you do want to go deeper – only you and your journal will know. Set a timer for ten minutes and write.
2. Write about one thing you miss with the absence of your loved one. Go into detail. What is it about this activity, or thing that you miss so much? Try to describe as many details as you can to enrich the memory…think about the senses. Was it a shared activity? If you can think of one specific time in particular, it may help you to collect more details and prompt richer remembering. Set the timer for ten minutes and write.
3. Write a Love List. Write a list of all of the things you loved (love) about your loved one. Set the timer for 7 minutes and write.
4. Write about your loved one’s strengths. Springboard off the below prompts.: ____________(your loved one’s name)

was good at …

dreamed of….

loved…

• One of my favorite memories is…
• One lesson I learned from having _________________in my life is…
• On a good day I think of _______________________ and…

Last but not least: Write a poem for or about your loved one.

OR

Write your loved one a letter, from your honest to goodness in the moment today YOU. Don’t overthink, just write to that person you loved and who is no longer with you whatever is on your heart now.

As an alternative or additional prompt: Think about and write your thoughts in response to the four writing focus areas of accepting loss, embracing community, gratitude or wisdom. Consider how each of these impact or have impacted your grief journey. No timer, write in an open-ended manner.

Faith, Hope and Love.

One last word, be comforted in knowing that though we may have loved the one we lost, there is a greater love than ours. The One who loves perfectly and for eternity loves each one with everlasting love, the same One who created them. This gives me comfort. I pray that it does for you. The greatest love of all is the perfect and precious love of God. For me this is the defining piece. The one that gives me peace and hope, even as I grieve.

I hope that today’s post offered something useful for you today. As I mentioned, my faith in God is the one thing that I believe has made the difference in this journey. God’s Word, God’s Son, God’s Spirit. I can’t imagine living through any of these losses apart from these. I pray you are comforted in whatever losses you have suffered.

On a side note, if you liked this post, be sure and share, like and follow for more. Please stay tuned for the next journaling post and series to come! If you have any questions about anything I have shared in this post, comment here or e-mail me directly at dawn.paoletta@gmail.com.

Thank you for reading!

Enthusiastically, Dawn