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One of my very favorite bloggers, Bonnie of Faith Barista has been working on a book the past year or so and also treading some deep waters in her own emotional healing. I miss her, and although am on a kind of “break” for November, just cannot keep myself from joining in and meeting her for her Thursday Link up this week! It’s been 6 or more months since the last “Faith Jam” at her place. I have always been blessed by this community – I have missed the Thursday gathering of word loving, Jesus seeking, friends.
Here is how Bonnie describes her place:
“Faith Barista isn’t a blog about giving advice or fixing people — or trying to solve people’s problems. We are walking by faith. We are Faith Baristas who believe the ultimate Faith Barista Jesus is going to keep pouring into us, as we pour out our words.”
The prompt for this return of the Faith Barista Jam is “Be Yourself” and so I am pouring out my words as I ponder my own healing journey and struggle to find and share the right words, so pull up and let’s share a cup together:
I have fears. Fears of being found out, not liked, rejected. I don’t know why, because I have already experienced all of these as a child, and as an adult. I vacillate with how much I dare to share. Not everyone needs to know everything. He does. Know. He knows. He knows everything. I have been working on my own spiritual memoir. I feel like I have been writing it my whole life. Pieces of it are saved on old paper, I recently came across as I set to the task again. The words staring back on me from the paper could have been written from my heart today. It pains me to think of this voice within, silenced. I want to set that voice free. Complete the task. Yet, I look at the sum of this life and all the experiences, and feel that it is, too hard. So I type out a few pages, and file away the pain when it overwhelms me.
I am a keeper of secrets. I am not so sure that all of them need to be known. Yet, this story within, God is molding, purifying, and allowing to rise within me, until it will not be contained. It is how I started blogging.
But this…
This book in me…this story, this truth lived, must be laid at His feet. Because my fears do suffocate that voice within. The many voices drown out the still small voice…and mine.
I fear insignificance, and long to be free from the voices that plague me, saying, “Your voice won’t matter.”
“It’s all been said already/before.”
“People will judge, criticize, misunderstand or understand and not care anyway.”
Yet, there is another voice within that refuses to be ignored. It nurtures, heals, nourishes and strengthens the child. This voice balances, leads and is fine tuning the voice. Quieting the fear. Fortifying with grace and truth, merging the story with the One True Story that matters- His Story…of Glory. This other voice is the Holy Spirit within and it is He who has freed my voice thus far. It is He who will provide that which is needful to bring to fruition what must be shared; also to tend to that which must be pruned, trimmed and edited.
As I look unto Him, who gives me strength, who looks upon me with love, and rejoices over me, with tears of forgiveness, I am set free. From fear, and Hell’s desire to quench the Truth within me.
Although I acknowledge and confess my fears, don’t misunderstand. It is in the bringing out into the light which allows the things of darkness to be diminished. My voice, your voice…all of our voices that resonate His grace, truth and beauty will not be shut up. Our voices will rise, beyond fear, failure, adversity- rising higher than ever imagined, a beautiful acceptable Holy fire, burning bright before Him who gives voice, and breath and life. A sweet aroma…One Holy, Amen.
Linking with Jennifer for Tell His Story…and besides I always dreamed of being a News Journalist- after the Jockey thing didn’t pan out (12 years old and 5′ 4″ sealed that dream away)- but Jennifer – she lived the News Journalist/Reporter dream. And now shares a different story and this community:
Enthusiastically, Dawn 
You are telling my story, even though it is YOUR story and HIS story. Keep writing when it comes. Share what is safe and more will become safer to share. I trust you are walking with someone who can be by your side as you go through the valleys of rememberance and you are reigniting embers of deep pain. I've been there and it was so hard, but so fruitful. Thank you for this courageous post. Your voice matters and this story needs to be told in its proper time. God bless you.Patty @ http;//heartshomeward.blogspot.com
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Patty, haha- we were reading each others words at the same time! Yes, I loved your point- God has been so good to give me just the right friends (sisters in Christ ) to walk through the valleys as they come. He is faithful. Nice to connect with you!
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Your statement about allowing dark things to diminish tells me a lot. I learned that if I couldn't tell another person, I could tell Jesus. If I hadn't found Jesus, I don't know where I would be.
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Keep filling those scraps of paper with your words, your journey and your pain. Tuck them away and the time will come, the season will open when those pieces of paper, journals, drafted blogs will be your resource for a book. I am learning that we really have a a LOT of lives, several chapters that can be completely different from the chapter before. I am now pulling my little book together using old journals and sermon notes and diaries. It is hard and painful work but the time is right for me. I am not in the thick of it. What I am saying is to keep writing but don't worry about the timing of a book. You are living the future book right now my love. Susie
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“keeper of secrets” – oh yes, that is me too! Figuring out what to do with them, definitely the hard part.
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Dawn, I could relate so much to the fears you expressed. When I was worried about whether my voice mattered, a friend reminded me that my voice is just one in a chorus of voices and that every one is needed to make the song beautiful. I love what you wrote about our voices rising – beyond fear, failure, adversity- rising higher than ever imagined. Thank you for sharing!
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I have these same fears. This writing is hard, yet when yielded to Him, it is as clay in the hands of the Master Potter. Keep scribbling those words my friend.
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Hmm. Perhaps. I love you, Susie!
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Hi Dawn, Every word you typed on this page can be lifted from my own journal. E.v.e.r.y. word. The book you tell us is speaking in your heart is the same book-that-would-not-go-away hidden and was shut away in mine. And when I started letting them out, everything in me that was told to shut up, be quiet, and you're worth nothing and what you said is not worth repeating came out in full force. Every day. Every word. It never went away for me. But, I kept on writing because I realize looking back that voice has not left me for decades… because that voice is me. You don't ever have to apologize for that story inside you because we love you and we love her. And we want to read everything she has to say. Because she is *you*. And we *love* you. You are strong and courageous, Dawn. Just reading your voice here tells me you hear her voice and she is very real. You are real. Do it for her. Because Jesus loves her just the way she is. SO happy you and I are meeting here — after so long. write that book. He's leading you someonewhere out. I'm cheering you on. Thanks for cheering me on, friend these years!
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