One of my very favorite bloggers, Bonnie of Faith Barista has been working on a book the past year or so and also treading some deep waters in her own emotional healing. I miss her, and although am on a kind of “break” for November, just cannot keep myself from joining in and meeting her for her Thursday Link up this week! It’s been 6 or more months since the last “Faith Jam” at her place. I have always been blessed by this community – I have missed the Thursday gathering of word loving, Jesus seeking, friends.
Here is how Bonnie describes her place:
“Faith Barista isn’t a blog about giving advice or fixing people — or trying to solve people’s problems. We are walking by faith. We are Faith Baristas who believe the ultimate Faith Barista Jesus is going to keep pouring into us, as we pour out our words.”
The prompt for this return of the Faith Barista Jam is “Be Yourself” and so I am pouring out my words as I ponder my own healing journey and struggle to find and share the right words, so pull up and let’s share a cup together:
I have fears. Fears of being found out, not liked, rejected. I don’t know why, because I have already experienced all of these as a child, and as an adult. I vacillate with how much I dare to share. Not everyone needs to know everything. He does. Know. He knows. He knows everything. I have been working on my own spiritual memoir. I feel like I have been writing it my whole life. Pieces of it are saved on old paper, I recently came across as I set to the task again. The words staring back on me from the paper could have been written from my heart today. It pains me to think of this voice within, silenced. I want to set that voice free. Complete the task. Yet, I look at the sum of this life and all the experiences, and feel that it is, too hard. So I type out a few pages, and file away the pain when it overwhelms me.
I am a keeper of secrets. I am not so sure that all of them need to be known. Yet, this story within, God is molding, purifying, and allowing to rise within me, until it will not be contained. It is how I started blogging.
This book in me…this story, this truth lived, must be laid at His feet. Because my fears do suffocate that voice within. The many voices drown out the still small voice…and mine.
I fear insignificance, and long to be free from the voices that plague me, saying, “Your voice won’t matter.”
“It’s all been said already/before.”
“People will judge, criticize, misunderstand or understand and not care anyway.”
Yet, there is another voice within that refuses to be ignored. It nurtures, heals, nourishes and strengthens the child. This voice balances, leads and is fine tuning the voice. Quieting the fear. Fortifying with grace and truth, merging the story with the One True Story that matters- His Story…of Glory. This other voice is the Holy Spirit within and it is He who has freed my voice thus far. It is He who will provide that which is needful to bring to fruition what must be shared; also to tend to that which must be pruned, trimmed and edited.
As I look unto Him, who gives me strength, who looks upon me with love, and rejoices over me, with tears of forgiveness, I am set free. From fear, and Hell’s desire to quench the Truth within me.
Although I acknowledge and confess my fears, don’t misunderstand. It is in the bringing out into the light which allows the things of darkness to be diminished. My voice, your voice…all of our voices that resonate His grace, truth and beauty will not be shut up. Our voices will rise, beyond fear, failure, adversity- rising higher than ever imagined, a beautiful acceptable Holy fire, burning bright before Him who gives voice, and breath and life. A sweet aroma…One Holy, Amen.