Too Many Lives(Part 2): The Journals

 Healing comes in many forms. It also sometimes comes in bits and pieces, sometimes instead of all at once. My journals hold within the pages stories of the many lives I have lived and at times the power to heal. 

It is the one thing  that I have done for so long it is part of who I am.

 There are many activities that have come and gone but from early on I picked up a pen, put it to paper and revealed, revered and reflected the soul that I was. The voice that resonated in time, captured on the pages for better and for worse, staring back up for all to see. There have been times when I have considered holding a “Journal Burning” party, but after further consideration I have held back. 

The one time this idea became exceedingly strong was shortly after being introduced to my Savior. I wanted to burn every thing written on those pages because of the very stark reality portrayed. Captured under the microscope were lurid details of my very nature. It was not pretty at times. I did not hold back, there I was staring back up from the pages at myself as when one looks upon their reflection in still water. 

Clear, sharp intriguing and bare was I – 

no hiding from those pages jealousy, anger, selfishness, and fickleness.

Yet there was also an authenticity on those pages that would not be denied. 

A rawness, that staked a claim which would not be refused. 

Here in these pages there was a voice longing to be heard but beneath the surface there was yet another still, small voice which was yet to be released. 

At one point I did throw away my journals – these were from my teen years and I did it impulsively as much of what I did in my early years. But as fate would have it or by God’s design, depending on your perspective, I soon began to pour out my heart and soul once more on paper at the requirement of a professor for a Human Relations class I took at 18 years of age. The wonderful and challenging thing about this was that we were expected to journal on specific hypothetical questions as well as reflect on the class and our experiences personally. Well that was all it took, from this point on I picked my pen back up and have never put it down. I continued to journal my life journey and put on paper “the good, the bad and the ugly” as well as the big kahuna philosophical inquiry into life’s deeper meaning.

 Enter Jesus Christ. 

My pen became a vehicle for the underlying voice which was birthed on that day. 

As I wrote at times I felt the Spirit move within me and the pages began to be transformed by the power of His Spirit. Years passed and much was recorded on the pages.

 There in those pages emerged a new voice…there was no doubt. But the old voice was also there, questioning, pleading and at times accusing. But still, hidden among the rambles, a Light was beginning to shine (John 8:12) . A light that would not be snuffed. Amidst the foolishness, there it was…Wisdom, a wisdom that was not my own and one which I had no claim to but instead which laid claim to me. There slowly the pages began to show a relationship instead of only my thoughts, feelings and activities. Emerging out of the darkness was a voice which revealed wisdom, hope and clarity. So you see I could not burn those books, after all. They became precious to me as they revealed the heart of the one who came to bring light, life and truth. This same one promises that in time, everything unworthy will be burned up. But, for now I will keep these journals, because I never want to forget exactly who I am apart from my God and his amazing grace. I need to remember, even as I, with Paul, press on to that which Christ has taken hold of in me… that depth which I have come from- to keep me from the sin of the Pharisees and the blindness of pride. 

Until next time, Keep digging beneath the surface,

Dawn

For further reflection:  John 1:1-14, Colossians 2:3, 1 John 1:5, 

                                  1 Corinthians 2:6-16,  2 Corinthians 4:6