“But he who dares not grasp the thorn
Should never crave the rose.”
― Anne Brontë
I’ve got no answers.
I hate that. Personally, I am a fan of knowledge. I am one who loves to seek answers. If I don’t know a word, I go to the dictionary. Not clear on details of a topic, give me a second, I can research it, love that Google! I own a set of Encyclopedias for my more bookish research moments and quite possibly could easily open a used bookstore with the variety and volume of books I own. I even kept college texts. Better yet, I read college texts for pleasure when I wasn’t in college. Probably my love and desire for knowledge is both a blessing and a curse.
But it is my desire for truth that led me to lay down my pursuit of knowledge…or at least my drivenness (yes, I looked it up and it is a word that I CAN use, although I have also been known to coin a few when limited by English Grammar) toward it. One long exegesis of Ecclesiastes and multiple readings of Colossians will cure one of such maladies.
I have finished wrestling with God over my blessing, only to discover that ultimately, He is the blessing.
This current circumstance in my life, a waiting for answers. A rehashing of past, and present choices, to what avail? What really matters?
We choose in time, by limited perception, filtered through our own expectations, unspoken agendas, and experiences. We do the best we can, in time.
We do the best we can, and then we leave all at the feet of the One who is The Blessing.
He is the One who is the blessing and is all knowledge, wisdom and truth.
So today, and for the days ahead, I give myself permission to not know.
To not have all the answers.
To not weary myself with the pursuit of that which may not be known fully now.
One of the things that used to bother me most, and still now, are those who think they have full revelation of something and are so sure they refuse to consider another perspective, to a flaw.
One thing I recognized was that God used this desire in me to draw me to truth.
But, it was because I was willing to accept that I did not have all the answers already.
I was willing to become a child, again, and trust…that which was unknown might make itself known.
I was truly open minded, able to listen and draw from many potential portals of truth…
I’d be lying if I told you I was ever a willing disciple. I was like Thomas, and I sought and embraced religion and philosophy of many kinds in my pursuit of truth, rejecting Christianity for Liberalism, hands down. I partook in the secular soup of modern day wisdom, expounding “all paths lead to God”.
But then God showed up and corrected my thinking.
He’s been doing it ever since.
So, today not only do I give myself permission to not know and not have all the answers.
I rejoice with great joy in this: that I know the One who does.
Who was and is and is to come!
I’ve got no answers.
I’m not thrilled about that.
But I’m OK, with it.
I’m learning that with Him, it’s in the moments that are hardest, we see Him.
We want answers. Plans. Solutions.
He wants our hearts to trust in Him.
He’s got answers, plans, solutions.
More importantly, He’s got us.
We think we have Him…but the One who is Faithful is the One who does the holding.
Trust Him, trust this truth.
“Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.
He changes times and seasons;
he deposes kings and raises up others.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.