The Green Hat {A Love Letter To My Girl}

…but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty 
of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.
1 Peter 3:4
My Girl,
How I love you more than words can ever express. 
How is it that in motherhood God has so captured
His own inexpressible love and squeezes it out in tears and hugs daily? 
I can’t even grasp the depth of my love toward you and yet I know it is, indeed finite.
 It is limited, this love I have for you my sweet girl. 
 I have dipped my fingertip into the pool of inexhaustible love that never sleeps nor grows weary,
 and I suspect I have felt a portion of it coursing through my veins, welling up in my heart at times. 
Yet I do grow weary at times. 
I want to apologize in advance for the mistakes I know I will make along this journey. 
Have already made. 
I wish I could be perfect for you.
 The perfect mother I never had, that none of us have, can ever have. 
It is impossible, my dear one. 
Those are shoes that only One should ever fill. 
I fear it is not even a good desire. 
The fact is I do grow weary, am imperfect and will fail you. 
Oh, I pray not.
 But I know better. 
I know that you in your youth have already spotted my weaknesses. 
Some are glaring flaws that prowl like tigers. 
Others are just my own buried wounds and scars forgotten, 
but tender to the touch. Exposed in the heat of the moment. 
I am after all being transformed and conformed. I don’t have all the answers. 
Even still. I do have this one thing, a confidence in the one who knit you together in my womb.
 This same One who promised to never leave, nor forsake me, though every other human possibly could.
 I don’t have confidence in myself, I just have no place to get it from but Him.
 I trust in this, that He promises to lead those who have young.
That if all else fails, you can count on this. 
His love never fails. 
If you turn from me, 
harden your heart towards Him and 
turn from all I have dreamed for you…
I will trust in His goodness. 
Not my wonderful parenting, not my ability to give you the life I never had, not my excellent mothering skills, not the hope that you will do what I think you should. 
I come to the table with empty hands. But with these hands I can pray, I can praise and seek Him who is seeking you and pursing you before you even desire to return His love.
 I am fully confident in the fact that this love that wells up within me as life itself is a down payment on the bigger transaction of grace taking place in the quietness of my soul. 
I am bought with a price and my love for you is tapped 
right into that bigger reservoir of eternal love. 
Not wasted. Precious. Pure and Holy. 
I want more than ever for you to feel beautiful, because it is already true.
 That He has created you, and I wish upon wish upon hope, that you would feel beautiful. 
Because even He is beautiful. 
It is His beauty that has transformed me to the woman of grace that I am continuing to become. 
That you can become. How I remember the days you felt beautiful, in your innocence.
 How you burst through the rooms of our home in dresses and tutus and scathing beauty.Unashamed. But age brings the knowledge of the unholy and the world competes for your allegiance. 
It hurts my heart when you lean that way and I see you feeling less beautiful. 
Because it is not true. You are beautiful. 
You are loved. 
You are precious. 
You were birthed in beauty, because 
He created you- kissed your precious face right their in that hidden place. 
Saw you swaddled in embryonic fluid and adored you right there fully. 
Beautiful.
The memories of you already fill me to the brim.
 A million snapshot moments, stream through my mind.
I remember our shopping day a few years back…and the momentary joy of a green hat. 
Your smile filled the room, beauty glowing forth. Confident. 
We snapped a picture, moment in time. One moment. One hat. 
Maybe you will forget that moment in time. 
But I saw something in your eye that I wished I could keep for you to give back to you when you feel beauty abandons you. 
You felt beautiful. 
But I have found my Green Hat. 
The One who is Beauty itself.
 The One who’s Beauty is without blemish and unfading.
And if I could just give it to you I would. 
But unlike the green hat on the clearance table we passed up that day…
eleven dollars of motherly regret.
Beauty that would fade in time anyway.
His hat of grace is available when you are ready to receive it. 
He will adorn you with imperishable beauty and
 you will be secure in His fit. 
You are precious in His sight.
Beautiful.
I love you, and you will always be my sweet, little girl.

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