Time, Sleep, Death and Life (RDJ #12)

This “Journal” is a a Purple Loose Leaf Binder
which Aurora finds comfortable…

Today for my Random Journal Day share, I am going to give some back story, dear ones. Actually, a journal is quite revealing. The day I am sharing is actually from a binder that I used in the days I was very involved in a few Writing Groups. I had accepted Christ in 1992, but without getting grounded in the word and even more than that, unwilling to let go of a relationship that was clearly not the Lord’s will, I slipped into a life of backsliding. Pretty much without even understanding what that meant. God showed me the next year. After that He turned my life upside down and I let Him do so, willingly. I still made some pretty bad choices along the way. I messed up, fell down and got back up…but as a baby going from crawling to walking I finally found my stride. I am still learning not to rush ahead of Him, and how to follow Him without second guessing or double-mindedness. Or shortcuts. But now, we walk, dart playfully, laugh and dance together along the way. He is so good. Keep in mind that when I wrote this, I did not have the assurance of my salvation. I did not understand many of the scriptural truths that are the foundation to my trust, confidence, peace and joy in Him, now. This comes by taking Him at His word. Those who believe God’s word and put their trust in Him will be given much insight and spiritual power, because His word is alive. To trust the word, you have to know it. Not part of it. Not morsel-ed. You have to eat it, digest it, study it and let it seep into your soul. Those who want to take the word and conform it to their own understanding instead of be conformed to it, by it, will be deceived and unable to receive the fullness of His grace. That’s my opinion. And I believe I have the Spirit of God.
This entry was written when I had more questions than answers, and while I still was relying on my own understanding, not fully trusting and believing His word. So keep that in the back of your mind. Oh, the difference a surrendered life makes. He waits for us to give ourselves over fully to the beauty and perfection of His truth. 
August 21, 1996
Time. Time is always on my mind. Am I learning enough- am I missing the point?
I wrote in a poem once these words, “Have I lost myself in the inquiry?”,
which would be an ironic twist- to lose oneself in the searching for oneself- isn’t that an oxymoron or something?
To be so lost in the questions, the lessons of life
to not see the forest for the trees. 
Time…how I spend it- always aware- aware that garbage in is garbage out- careful of how I spend time
frugal and generous at the same time…(?)
Should I spend time alone or with someone?
Time is all I really have and I’m so greedy for it yet like a child with candy, I so want it to last…
Can’t control it, stop it…
Sometimes I lay awake at night staring at the ceiling, fighting sleep
Is it time or life?
I lay there thinking sleep is such a waste of time and so I turn the light back on and go to the shelf take four or five books even though it’s late and I know I can’t possibly be awake every moment I’m alive…
can I?
I like to watch the moonlight through the trees, that shines through my window across my bed and walls, washing my room with shadows and dancing leaves…
How could I want to miss this moment?

If I go to sleep, I’ll  miss it and I love that…
Time…in the context of seconds, minutes, hours days, months, years…what really matters…in retrospect…
My relationship with God and myself is the one thing I can count on. 
I guess knowing that might be the most important lesson of all.
Peace…Love…Time… hmm, those don’t go well together.
My time..
Precious time
Little time
Time running out.
No wonder I never liked to sleep when I was  little.
I would stay up and make collages, write poetry, copy lyrics to favorite songs.
Anything but sleep.
What a colossal waste of my time I thought that sleep.
Uh, uh-not me- I’ll stay up all night.
Isn’t it funny? I’m so much older now. 
But no matter how much things change they stay the same. 
Am I still a lost little girl?
I don’t think I am…
I don’t feel like one?
Sleeping still seems to me (or that little girl inside) to be too much of a slice of my life to not at least put up a fight 4 or 5 times a week…
Sleeping like death...
not conscious,
not awake,
 still…
Maybe all my life what I don’t like about sleep is how much it maybe reminds me of death
But I never thought of that before- I don’t think.
Time, sleep, death, life
I need more time
less sleep,
more life
and what about death?
The end…or beginning?
Beyond my comprehension…
Is my obsession with time about my fear of death?
Yuck.

Marlise’ s Peonies, Grace’s Espresso set: gifts
to me from such lovely ladies. 

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